Movie Review – Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

Genre: Horror-Comedy-Soft Porn-Musical. Directed by: Lloyd Kaufman. Starring:  Jason Yachanin, Kate Graham, Allyson Sreboff, & Robin L. Watkins. Cameo appearance by Ron Jeremy.

Fast food franchise, American Chicken Bunker, sets up shop atop a Native American Burial ground. Never a good idea. Not only are the locals up in arms over the sacrilege, but so are the spirits of those buried beneath and the carcasses of the chickens being slaughtered for mass consumption.

As my fellow viewer remarked, “[This was] the worst movie I have ever been unable to stop watching.” I’m not sure where to even go with this review. If you are easily offended by folks not being politically correct, you’ll want to pass by this one. Pretty much every race, religion, and sexual orientation is pushed to the limits of its current controversial stereotype. If you can let that kind of thing slide and understand it’s just a movie, you’ll be fine. Likewise, if images of explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting leave you feeling queasy, again – you’ll want to skip this, or be sure to have a puke bucket near at hand just in case.

However, if you’re the sort that enjoys a bit of youthful T&A, folks getting dismembered in a variety of ways, gallons and gallons and gallons of blood flying sky high, campy comedy and even a bit of song and dance to help lighten the mood between horrific deaths, Poultrygeist may just be what you’re looking for. The special effects and make-up were actually pretty damn impressive. And who doesn’t love fried chicken … especially fried chicken with ‘flavor pods’? MM-mm-good.

As we sat there watching, it was remarked that this came out of someone’s mind. Which in and of itself is a terrifying thought. On top of that people invested in this; real money was spent to the tune of around $500,000.

It was certainly entertaining, but not in the way either of us watching expected it to be. It delivered at being a horror and a comedy. We were horrified and we did laugh. The musical element, well, not the best songs or choreography, but there you go. As for the soft-porn, meh … it really didn’t do a thing for me but then I’m neither a hetero-male nor a lesbian, so … do with that what you will.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Ravens.

In Search Of… Horror.

Visited our local *Buns & Noodles store this afternoon. As we wandered the aisles I came to realize something I’d never noticed before and frankly, I’m annoyed.

We always seem to gravitate towards the YA section first so Jim can see if Cousin Scott has come out with something new we’re unaware of. He’s sneaky like that. This time I wanted to check out Book #3 of the Peculiar Children series. I’m in the middle of #2. It’s only available in hardcover now so I’m going to wait for the paperback. Sorry, I’m cheap like that.

After the Young Adult section, we’re on our own. They have the Children’s section, the Romance, and the Sci-Fi sections. There’s History, Mysteries, Cooking, and Self-Help. Manga and Graphic Novels have their own section as does Religion, Travel, and Crafting.  All of these are nicely labeled with big, bold signs over the tops of the shelves making them oh-so-easy to find. What they do NOT have is Horror section. WTF B&N!? If I want to find Horror I have to search through the ‘Fiction & Literature’ section. How much more vague can you possibly get?

I’m aware of a good many Horror novelists, but I sure as heck don’t know them all and those that I am most aware of, like Stephen King, Clive Barker, Dean Koontz, and Peter Straub have been around for decades and are maybe considered a bit Old School. If I’m looking for something or someone new, I’m rather clueless. Directing me to the ‘Fiction & Literature’ section isn’t going to be very helpful. And for as much as I love to browse a bookstore or library, damn it, at least let me be in the section I am most interested in so that I know that every book I pick up is a Horror contender.

I ended up getting Stephen King’s “Doctor Sleep” because I’ve heard of him, know he’s good, and know he mostly sticks to the Horror genre with a few exceptions. I’d love to have given a lesser-known writer some business, but pft … damned if I have the time to stand there reading every single back cover of very single book that looks like it might be what I’m interested in.

*Barnes & Noble and all you other bookstores, big and small, can you PLEASE create a Horror Section? I and so many others like me would truly appreciate it.

Book Review – The Jersey Devil by Hunter Shea

Back in 2014 we had the chance to pass through a small portion of the Pine Barrens of Southern New Jersey, the setting for horror writer Hunter Shea’s latest cryptid masterpiece, The Jersey Devil. Having had an interest in these sorts of creatures my whole life, I’ve known the legend of this particular being for many a moon. We passed through in the middle of the day so our chances of seeing this sinister fellow were slim to none. If Hunter’s portrayal of the Devil is even half-fiction, I’m deliriously happy that it and our paths never crossed, not even for a second.

In short, the Legend of the Jersey Devil dates back to a dark and stormy night in 1735 when Mother Leeds gave birth to her 13th child. The midwives that had come to her aid swore she’d given birth to a demon. The Jersey Devil stands upright on two goat-like legs with cloven hooves. Its upper body resembles a dragon or snake with short arms ending in razor sharp claws while a pair of massive bat-like wings give it flight. The head of the Jersey Devil is said to look like a horse or large goat and its eyes glow a fiery red in the dark.  The native Lenape People called the area Popuessing which means, “place of the dragon”. Later the Dutch would dub it Drake Kill or Dragon Channel.

According to Hunter Shea, one too many thrill seekers decide to explore the Pine Barrens at a crucial time in the Devil’s life and the Willet Family, who have a long-kept family secret in regards to the Devil, want to be at ground zero, locked, and loaded when this bad boy shows up again. They watch the news reports, they read the articles in the papers, and take them all very, very seriously. One person, one couple, one group of foolish campers after another start to go missing and the body count is rising fast as they and cryptid hunter, Norm Cranston, enter the Barrens ready for the battle of a lifetime.

What is going on? After years of nothing more than a few random sighting, the Devil’s MO is getting a little sloppy. He’s being spotted a lot and he’s not doing much to hide the evidence of his kills.

The Jersey Devil is a thrill ride of head-ripping fun. Dismembered limbs are flying and heads are rolling, literally. Blood and gore abound and nowhere is safe.

And all this is even before the hunters meet one of the decedents of Mother Leeds who is reluctant to help them despite, or maybe because of, the recent uprising of violent activity.

Planning a trip to New Jersey? Tempted to take a stroll through the legendary Pine Barrens? Read Hunter’s rendering of The Jersey Devil before you go and you may just change your mind real quick like. If not, well, don’t say you haven’t been warned.

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I give it 5 Ravens out of 5.

 

They Who Scream The Loudest, Win.

I took my final stroll down Dark Hollow Road on August 9th, as in I finished the first draft. My practice is to then put it away for at least a month, no peeking, and either move on something else or not write at all. It’s not been a month quite yet and well, I DID edit a couple of chapters of DHR, but that’s it.

Apart from working on settings and characters notes for The Witch’s Backbone I’ve kept the writing down to a dull roar. But now, while on my honeymoon, new fodder has risen to the surface.

We’re staying in one of many of the places that offer cabin\cottage rentals up along the St. Lawrence River in Upstate New York. It’s a cozy little place and for a few days we were the only ones here. Nothing really creepy about it at all, well… not to the normal-minded person but then I have never claimed normalcy.

As we opened the screen door and stepped onto our little closed-in porch, I looked at the old tongue-in-groove door and the slightly bent numbers nailed to the front, 14. Cabin 14. Helpless to The Muse and her methods, the ticklings of another book started to arise. Jim and I both took pictures of that door and I began my mental and literal note taking.

After dinner last night, we took a walk down to the river to watch the sunset and as we strolled back I said aloud, “I don’t see a Cabin 13. I wonder if they skipped it like some buildings skip a 13th floor?” This morning I looked it up on their online map of the accommodations. Sure enough, there is no cabin numbered thirteen. Technically speaking, WE should be in Cabin 13, yes?

Me being me finds this all quite amusing, of course, but now I face a dilemma. Do I work on The Witch’s Backbone as planned or do I delve deeper into the world of Cabin 14?

I guess whoever screams the loudest while I’m working on edits and rewrites for Dark Hollow Road will determine the answer to that question. Let the characters fight it out!

 

 

Movie Review – The Boy (2016)

Movie Review – The Boy (2016) Rated PG-13 : Directed by William Brent Bell

Starring Lauren Cohen, Rupert Evans, and James Russell

Greta Evans arrives at the home of a wealthy English couple, Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire, to take on her duties as a newly hired nanny to their son, Brahms, so they can go away on holiday. There’s only one problem.  Brahms is a life-sized doll made in the likeness of their son who was killed in a fire years ago. At first Greta treats the doll as an annoying joke and does none of the duties assigned to her by the couple. Brahms quickly convinces her to follow the rules.

The concept behind “The Boy” isn’t unique by any stretch of the imagination. There have been a lot of haunted doll books written and movies made. The doll in this one is, from my understanding, roughly based on Robert, a supposedly real-life haunted doll that is now housed in a museum in Key West, Florida.

brahms

Brahms the Doll

robert

Robert the Doll

There were some genuinely creepy moments in this movie, though it fell short of truly freaking me out.  But then, it is only a PG-13 so maybe they had to tone it down for that audience instead of the hardcore horror fans like me. I was left with a lot of unanswered questions at the end. I can easily assume why things went the way they did and why the parents did what they did in part, but the ending was not a surprise and there were no twists that I wasn’t expecting.

Great potential, but terribly, terribly predictable.

Two Ravens out of Five

Book Review – THEY RISE by Hunter Shea

Because apparently sharks, jellyfish, sting rays, electric eels, fire corral, lion fish, sea snakes, stone fish, octopus, and squid are just not enough to keep some people out of the water, author Hunter Shea has come up with yet another nasty creature of the briny deep. His creation, the Chimaera fish (aka Ghost Shark), isn’t entirely fictional but let’s hope to Poseidon these things never actually become a hundred percent real.

Hunter specializes in monsters and cryptids. In “Swamp Monster Massacre” he takes on the legendary Big Foot\Skunk Ape.  In “The Montauk Monster” we get to meet his version of well, the Montauk Monster, a pseudo-cryptid that first washed up on the shores of Montauk, NY back in 2008.  Ghosts become deadly in Island of the Forbidden and zombies of all shapes and sizes populate the streets of Yonkers, and maybe even the world, in Tortures of the Damned.

For “They Rise” Hunter Shea takes us deep sea fishing off the coast of Florida. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but things go bad fast when the fish at the end of the line ends up eating, instead of begin eaten by, the fishermen. What appears to be an isolated incident soon turns into an aquatic nightmare as it’s discovered these apparently extinct prehistoric fish have grown to gargantuan proportions with appetites to match. And there’s not just a few, but thousands of them! Human flesh rates high on their menu to the point of ramming and capsizing boats and jumping on decks to get to whoever is foolish enough to stand out there.

For a book of only 150 pages, “They Rise” packs in a lot of information, intrigue, blood and guts gore action, and suspense.  Hunter Shea does not disappoint in the plot department at all and I enjoyed almost everything about this book. My only disappointment was central core character development. I didn’t feel like I got to know them as well as I would have liked and that left my sense of caring about what happened to them somewhat lacking. From reading several of his lengthier books, I know Hunter can do this quite well. “They Rise” would have benefited from a similar treatment.

Despite that, an overall enjoyable and fast-paced read. I’d maybe not suggest it for anyone who plans on doing any deep sea diving or ocean fishing in those warm, southern seas this summer. I know I won’t be and despite this creature being primarily fictional, I’m still going to add the Chimaera fish to my fast-growing list of reasons not to swim in those sorts of places just to be safe.

Be sure to check out all of Hunter’s twisted world at: https://huntershea.com/

3 out of 5 ravens.

Book Review – Dark Tower Series by Stephen King

Book reviews / Horror / Reading / Science Fiction

Instead of going through and reviewing each of the books individually, I’m going to do a simplified, overall review of the series as a whole. You and I will both be glad I did.

I started reading “The Gunslinger” Book 1 of 7.5 in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series back in August 2015. As the pages went by, so did the months, until eventually I wrapped it all up last month by jumping slightly backwards to read what King places as Book 4.5, “The Wind Through The Keyhole”.

There’s so much here! King has truly created a world eerily familiar while at the same time completely different than our own. A future date is never specified for the time that the Gunslinger, Roland Deschaine, comes from, but it’s at least a few hundred years from now, if not a thousand or more. The world has changed, it’s ‘moved on’ as is worded in the books. Well-populated cities are few and far between. Machines and the electricity to run them are even more rare. We, you and me, or those closer to our timeline, are known only as The Old Ones. We are the faceless, nameless creators who pretty much screwed everything up at some point in the distant past.

Enter Roland, the Last Gunslinger, whose only mission in a long and troubled life is to reach the Dark Tower. He will do anything, go anywhere, kill anyone, in order to reach that destination. Roland is a highly trained killing machine and he does it all 19th century American Southwest cowboy-style, with a pair of ivory-handled revolvers that once belonged to his father. But, he can’t do it alone. He needs his posse, his ka-tet, to share in the adventure. And this is where the time travel comes in.

Through a series of free-standing, hovering doors scattered here and there along Roland’s route, he starts pulling people through into his own time. The first is heroin addict, Eddie Dean from 1987. Not to be confused with the Texas-born country and western singer of the same name. Next, comes Odetta\Detta Holmes aka Susannah Dean who is ripped from the year 1964. Again, try not to get her confused with the Civil Rights activist, singer and songwriter from the 1960s.  Last but not least we have eleven-year-old John “Jake” Chambers, who is rescued from an abandoned and seemingly possessed house in 1977 and brought into Roland’s ‘when’. The final member of the ka-tet is the billy-bumbler, Oy. A sort of long-necked dog that talks who very quickly wins over our hearts as Jake’s tried and true friend and loyal companion.

Obviously, if I spent somewhere around eight months reading this series, I must have enjoyed it. Very true. It contains a little bit of every genre out there; sci-fi, western, horror, fantasy, adventure, and yes, there’s even some romance going on. I really think it’s a must-read for any Stephen King fan. He does some pretty awesome writing here and yet…

For as much as I was impressed and for as much as I grew to love Roland and all the members of his ka-tet and their bond and adventures, I also found myself feeling disappointed with it. Some scenes felt like fillers and cop-outs. It was like King felt he needed to make this thing as thick and long-winded as possible so let’s add in this and that and the other thing and tie it all together in some obscure way that sort of makes sense. I questioned these scenes and their purpose in the grand scheme of it all; for example, the entire “Wizard of Oz” portion. Why? I honestly can’t recall for the life of me what this was all about. Why did we go there? Why did the dog need ruby slippers? And if King was going for some sort of how many other book references can he smash into this series theme, the shoes should have been silver as they are in the L. Frank Baum books. It all felt too contrived to me.

The other element I didn’t care for at all was the way King included himself in the end of the series, like some omnipotent God. I am King, the Great and Powerful. You are nothing without me.  If I die, you die. It seemed so self-glorifying and self-righteous and honestly, on some level, more filler to make this series much longer than it needed to be. Just get to the point already. Let’s get Roland and his ka-tet to the Dark Tower and let’s see what’s in there.

And once we finally do get there, all that time and build-up will be worth what Roland finds at the top, right? Um. Not so much. King should have spent less time blathering on about connecting this series to “The Wizard of Oz”, or “The Stand”, or “Salem’s Lot” and more time on this ending. It turned my whole perspective of the who, what, and why of Roland and his quest upside down.

Am I glad I read it despite what I felt was a horrible and disappointing ending? Yes, very much so. There’s a lot in the series to love and admire and at one point I found myself crying, yep. King wrung the tears out of me. For a writer to be able to get you so in love and involved with his fictional creations, you know he’s done an amazing job of drawing you into their lives and caring. Damn you, King!  Damn you, for being so awesome even if you disappointed me a bit at the end.

It’s not your typical King story. It’s not pure horror by any stretch of the imagination. Non-King fans will like this just as much as those who have been with him since the beginning.

I’d love to this is 5 Ravens, but… that ending.

4 out of 5 Ravens.

The EW! Factor & Writing That Scares You.

Horror / Writer's Life

What I’ve been writing lately does indeed scare me a little bit. One might think I have a lot of unsettled and disturbing issues I should probably talk to a professional about. I assure you, that is not the case. It’s what the Muse has been bringing me and nothing more, says the woman who sees and hears fictional people and places in her head on a daily basis.

We’ve been designing publicity cards and the like over the past couple weeks. Finally got the last batch sent off to be printed this morning. I’m pretty sure I’m spending more on promotion than I’m actually making in book sales right now. In the long run, I’m hoping it will be a small price to pay and that in time it will all have been worth it. It takes money to make money, so the saying goes.

I’m very excited about all the events I’ll be promoting my books at this year. Next week I’m doing a talk for a local book club dinner. In July I’ll be appearing with other local authors at the Blueberry and Books Festival in Berkshire, NY. I’m hoping to make a guest appearance on a weekly podcast put out by a group of paranormal investigators in the area in September. In October I’m the guest author for Owego, NY’s First Friday Artwalk at Riverow Bookshop. This event will also premier my newest title NO REST FOR THE WICKED. All that AND organizing a wedding that’s taking place in August!

NO REST FOR THE WICKED is a classic ghost story partially told by the ghosts! If you’ve read my previous book THAT’S WHAT SHADOWS ARE MADE OF, you’ve already met one character who appears in the new book, albeit a much younger version. When a group of ghost hunters and the new owners of the house try to find out what’s going on and why the house is haunted, they run into some rather nasty difficulties. Like the tagline says, “Every ghost has a story. Not all of them want it told.”  In some cases, you may not really want to know what went on either, but that’s all part of the gruesome charm of the thing, The EW! Factor, as I call it.

My current work-in-progress, DARK HOLLOW ROAD is probably the most unusual thing I’ve written and also contains a healthy dose of The EW! Factor. In a nutshell, the story has two parts. Part one, represented by the odd numbered chapters, is told in first person and introduces us to Mary Alice Brown. She begins her story when she is eight years old in 1948. The family lives a poor and isolated life in rural Pennsylvania. Her mother dies after giving birth to a stillborn child that would have been Mary’s fourth sibling. After these death’s Mary’s father falls into a bottomless, mean, and violent depression which he freely takes out on his children. As the oldest, Mary is forced to take on all her deceased mother’s duties. All of them.

Part two, the even numbered chapters, deals with the present. Told in third person, we meet Renee Evenson, her partner Samantha Whalen, and Renee’s six-year-old son Brandon, six months after they’ve moved into a small house within sight of the now abandoned Brown house on Dark Hollow Road. A strange, skinny, funny-smelling lady appears one morning asking to borrow some sugar to fill the canning jar she’s brought with her. Brandon takes the jar and goes to talk to his mother, but when they return the woman is gone, along with Brandon’s coloring book. Brandon quickly dubs this woman The Sugar Lady.

With each chapter the lives of these two very different families begins to twist together until the dark, madness of Mary Brown’s current existence takes control over the once innocent life of Brandon Evenson.

And that is all I’m willing to reveal about that little gem.

So, yeah. I’m busy and often wishing I had more time to just write instead of having to squeeze it in here and there between everything else. It will get done eventually. Besides, I really don’t like to rush my Muse. She’s been very kind to me these past few years. I don’t want to nudge and prod at her too much for fear she’ll decide a vacation is suddenly in order and leave me.  (Read “writer’s block”).

Hope you’ve enjoyed this little update and that you’ll visit again. Also, don’t forget to come see  and LIKE me on Facebook.

Movie Review – “How To Kill A Zombie” (2014)

Directed by: Tiffany McLean. Genre: Horror-Comedy. Starring: Bill McClean, Ben McClean, Hannah Perry, & Sheri Collins

Armed-survivalist Mack Stone (Bill McLean) and his son, Jesse (Ben McClean) are on a training expedition in the woods of Maine when news comes over the radio that some sort of riot has broken out in a nearby city. Being hours away from the event, the two decide to call it a night and check it out come morning. Turns out this isn’t just any riot, it’s zombies and the closer Mack and Jesse get to town and to their at-home bunker, the more creatures they encounter. Jesse quickly starts taking notes on the various ways they are able to kill zombies that don’t involve a proper firearm. After rescuing a girl (Hannah Perry) armed with a shovel (which becomes #3 on Jesse’s list, by the way), the trio chances upon a building where a small group of trapped people are calling out for help. And this is where the story gets even better.

After “Killer Biker Chicks”, which was so bad I didn’t even bother to post a review for, I was pretty skeptical about “How To Kill A Zombie”. I was pleasantly surprised! Considering the subject matter, it’s very family friendly. There are some gory scenes, of course, but they are well done and not overdone. Whoever did the zombie make-up did an incredible job! The comedy is genuinely funny. We had many laugh-out-loud moments with the one liners and visual pranks. Best of all, there was a PLOT! Though far from professional, the acting was quite tolerable. It was pretty clear these people were having a lot of fun making this movie and I think that’s maybe what helped it along so much. They were having fun so we, the audience, had fun, too.

This movie really is some good, old-fashioned, low budget Zombie Apocalypse fun.

Raven Rating: 4 out of 5

Movie Review – Cabin In The Woods (2012)

Directed by Drew Goddard. Rated R.  Starring: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, and Jesse Williams.

If you think this is just another tale about a handful of stupid college students heading off to an isolated cabin in the woods for a weekend to be slain one by one by some maniac, you’d be wrong – well, sort of.

I hesitate to go into too much detail with this review, lest I give away too much of what this movie is really about. Yes, there are five college students who decide to head off into the woods to spend the weekend at a cabin one of their cousin’s has recently acquired. Yes, there’s a creepy dude at the creepy gas station who tries to warn them. They don’t listen, of course. But, then there’s the two-way mirror hidden behind a painting of some sort of gruesome wild killing going on in the woods. And, let’s not forget the basement. Oh, yes. That’s where the real madness starts as one would imagine in a creepy basement in a creepy cabin in the creepy isolated woods. The basement is chock FULL of goodies for our intrepid students to discover and all bets are locked in (literally) at what item will trigger the insanity that has only just begun.

I’d not put Cabin In The Woods as one of my top ten, but it was entertaining and different enough to keep me guessing and watching what would come next. There are some pretty gruesome kills and lots of blood spattering goodness to be had here. I liked the twist on what has become a predictable genre, though I found the ending a bit on the outlandish side. Definitely worth the rental, but glad we didn’t pay theatre prices to see this one.

Keep in mind I’m leaving A LOT of the plot details out because I don’t want to spoil it for those who decide they want to watch it. It’s good enough that I don’t want to ruin it for you.

And with this movie review, I’m going to introduce Raven Ratings instead of Stars… because, that’s just how I roll.  Cabin In The Woods gets …

3.5 Ravens out of 5.